The Best American Poetry

Three Poems (by Mitch Sisskind)

 

The Wandering Jew

1.

In the Gremlin he drove Chicago to NYC

And back again I-90 segueing into I-80

Outside Cleveland but neither Chicago

Nor NYC could be called his destination

Considering how upon arrival in one city

He turned back towards the other without

So much as getting out of the Gremlin.

For money he had a small inheritance

Plus some government disability payments

That he accessed at the ATM machines

In gas stations or in the motels where

He stayed every third or fourth night

But definitely at least one night per week

And he paid little attention to his meals.

2.

After months or years of Chicago/NYC

He began crisscrossing the country with

No particular rhyme or reason while in

His brain mentations came and went like

The fireflies that flitted in the gloaming

After long-ago picnics at Potawatomi Park.

However as winter came upon the Interstates

A more apt metaphor of his thoughts was

Snowflakes blown by winds like the one that

In a blizzard near King of Prussia Pennsylvania

Sent the Gremlin spinning on an overpass and

Plunging through the side rail as an apparition

Of the man he could have been appeared.

3.

This was the the man he could have been

Had he not had spent his life in the Gremlin,

The law school or medical school graduate,

Husband and father, grandparent, homework

Helper, dumb joke teller, dryer of tears, loving

And loved in return, and he wept at seeing

The man he could have been except in the

Last second or even in the final nanosecond

Of his wasted existence an amazing joy filled

His heart as the man he could have been

Disappeared and in that man's place he saw

A shining and spectacular vision of the man

He was irrevocably destined to be when the day

Of גְּאֻלָּה and מָשִׁיחַ at long last arrives! Amen.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

New Tires

 

Eventually I saw how beautiful women are

Stimulated by new tires on a man's car and

Ever since that realization dawned on me

I buy new tires whenever the possibility of

Liaison with a beautiful woman presents itself.

Isn't that awfully expensive? Yes and no.

Generally I pay around five hundred dollars

For four tires which is nothing to sneeze at

But look at it this way: beautiful women are

Nature's true masterpieces so if they want

New tires, well then, new tires they shall have.

As to why they want new tires, I have no idea

But many things in science remain unknown.

How aspirin works was a mystery until 1994.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Meat Loaf

 

He had been watching Meat Loaf videos

Or rather he watched the same video

Again and again, the performance of

Paradise by the Dashboard Light from

1979 or 1980 which was Meat Loaf's

Masterpiece and had received over

Forty-five million YouTube views and

Eleven thousand admiring comments

Since it first appeared on YouTube

Four years earlier. The very existence

Of the millions of Meat Loaf admirers

Reassured him like a quote from Seneca:

'Whatever time has passed is owned

'By death. Most of death is already gone.'

 

 

 

Meat Loaf [by Mitch Sisskind]

 

He had been watching Meat Loaf videos

Or rather he watched the same video 

Again and again, the performance of

Paradise by the Dashboard Light from 

1979 or 1980 which was Meat Loaf's 

Masterpiece and had received over

Forty-five million YouTube views and 

Eleven thousand admiring comments 

Since it first appeared on YouTube

Four years earlier. The very existence

Of the millions of Meat Loaf admirers 

Reassured him like a quote from Seneca:

'Whatever time has passed is owned

'By death. Most of death is already gone.'

Veteran's Day (a poem for Mitch Sisskind) [by David Lehman]

On Veterans' Day let us remember the fallen, and honor them.
It used to be Armistice Day.
Now it is a three-day weekend, if that.
As King David would have said: How the mighty have fallen.

But some things don't change even as all the fashions do
so the old feel older in an orgy of planned obsolescence.
I wondered: Who will inspire them to do the great things
the Alte Kockers of the past revealed in prophecies?

So I went to Mitch, my old friend, thinking: if anyone knows,
he does, and he told me a very simple solution he had
for the problem of inspiration, which Freud would have called
the problem of anxiety. "When you need inspiration,"

Mitch said, "there's no need to look any further than
Orson Welles' classic commercials for Paul Masson wine.
Many of them can be seen on You-Tube. I saw a nice one
the other day. I just wish it went on longer."

"Virginity" [by Mitch Sisskind]

They called him Tight Pants Blair and he 
Favored an eccentric notion of time derived
From A.N. Whitehead's Process and Reality.
In a nutshell, Tight Pants Blair proposed that
The past does exist but with a certain flatness
So that nothing in the past is farther back or 
Deeper in the past than anything else. Thus, 
Our "distance" from the Egyptian pharaohs
Is the same as our "distance" from yesterday's
Hamburger or anything else in the past that
You care to name. For example, when did you 
Lose your virginity? Tight Pants Blair would
Argue that the meaningful question would be
Not when, but simply did you lose it or not? 

'Faut-il qu'il m'en souvienne?' (by Mitch Sisskind)

 

You there having coitus, I gesture to you,

I salute you and I genuflect as befits you

And myself also, wandering Santa Monica

Tonight as you have coitus. Are you the

School teacher bored beyond belief in

The faculty meeting finally having coitus

Or the fool having coitus or the wise man

Having coitus? The gray-haired woman

Who had coitus, the retired bus driver --

'Faut-il qu'il m'en souvienne?' as the

Pole wrote -- must you now only recall

Having coitus or can you go on having it

As in Joshua 10:13 when the sun didn't set

Or when the sea opened in Exodus 15:19?

On His 75th Birthday

Oh, on summer mornings darting through 
The county club's immense parking lot of
Antique cars restored with great affection   
Or perfectly preserved: reds, greens, yellows, 
As if snatched from the nearby flower beds,
And here the thwack of a struck tennis ball
Was heard, there a golf ball took to the air.
   War das nicht eine schöne, schöne Zeit? 

Oh, winter afternoons at the bowling alley
Down a flight of stairs from Diversey Avenue
Where outrageous transactions commonly  
Took place; oh, and the movie theaters all
In walking distance of one another, the Covent,
The Century, the Lake Shore, and the Parkway,
Best loved of all, renowned for its decrepitude.
   War das nicht auch eine schöne Zeit?

But oh, what has a beginning has an ending,
Said Senator Edward M. Kennedy at the time
Of his very grave brain tumor diagnosis. Alas,
But let's not make a federal case out of it.
As La Rochefoucauld observed, thinking of
Death, like staring at the sun, can't be done
For long, or shouldn't be. So grieve not. Oy. 
   Und hast du dich nicht so gut amüsiert? 

from "Grand & Ogden Auto Parts" (by Mitch Sisskind)

'Send your sick animals to me'

Kim and I (but she was Marilyn Novak then)

We smelt fished at Belmont Harbor one April

As the restriction allowed but seeing as how

Smelt only ran in April anyway the restriction

To April was really much ado about nothing.

Smelt fishing happened only at night.

Did you know that? Probably not, with

Smelt fishing now a thing of the past.

April nights were chilly, the cold not

Ameliorated by our tiny Coleman stove.

By an unwritten rule the smelt had to

Be cooked immediately when snared

In the little nets, nor was it at all difficult

To fill a gallon-sized bucket with smelt.

However, Marilyn threw all of them back.

This was a person who in her bedroom

Window displayed a hand-lettered sign:

'Send your sick animals to me.' It seemed

She was no less concerned about saving

Smelt while I monkeyed with the stove.

'Where the hell are the smelt?' I asked,

But oh ho ho, she only shrugged and smiled

And Marilyn's smile could break your heart.

That night we fished no more. Back in my car,

A 1949 Chevrolet, I asked her to marry me.

'Buddha," she said -- I was called Buddha

In those days -- 'I love you but the thing is

'I'm leaving tomorrow on a cross-country tour

'To model refrigerators at trade shows for

'A big refrigerator company. I'm sorry, Buddha.'

That was in 1953. In Los Angeles Marilyn

Won the title of Miss Deep Freeze and soon

Her name was Kim. I never saw her again.

As for the smelt, they wised up so no longer

Running in April they started running in May.

from "Grand & Ogden Auto Parts" 2 (by Mitch Sisskind)

The Secret Gas Cap

 

How strange and wonderful the left tail light

Of a '52 Cadillac was, how to fill the gas tank

One pushed a round reflecting button and 

The fixture elevated to reveal the pipe's cap.

Momentarily I was confused, frightened,

Because how do you put gas in the car --

And then came the revelation. Once, twice,

I operated the mechanism that seemed

Such a wonder to my callow self, witless

As I was of all the automobiles -- the '41 Ford,

For example -- whose gas caps were hidden

Or camouflaged no less cleverly than that

Of the '52 Cadillac ever since the first secret

Gas cap car rolled off the line in October 1908.

 

Briar Patch

Smialek -- he called himself Smialek --

He could take a car apart and put it

Back together again fifty times like

Walter Chrysler did in 1911. Smialek,

Why, the junkyard was his briar patch

Like Br'er Rabbit had his briar patch

But what exactly is a briar patch?

It's a place don't nobody want to go

Except Smialek and Br'er Rabbit

Who don't want to go no place else!

Go ahead, give them a plane ticket

To anywhere and they won't take it!

 

 

Yes and No

Will I do an engine replacement?

Yes and no. It depends on do I

Know you and if I don't know you

Who you are. If you are with the

Police department I more or less

Have to do it even though you will

Expect to pay little or nothing for

The job and I don't even know you.

On the other hand if I know you or

You know somebody who knows me

Then I may do it if I have the engine

Available or if I can get it somewhere

But nine times out of ten I will send

You to A&B Auto Repair on Elston Ave.

 

"Don't Ask Me About My Business. . ." [by Mitch Sisskind]

A dream project of mine is to write a literary biography of Mario Puzo. I admire him as a great writer in a very special category that includes Dumas (in both his life and his work,) Cervantes (life and work,) Hemingway (life,) Johnson (life,) and of course Shakespeare (work.)

Puzo succeeded in objectifying a world and its people that somehow had already existed in the collective mind in an unformed state -- as if waiting for someone to give it form.

Shakespeare did this many times, with Falstaff for example. Dumas did it with the Three Musketeers. And Puzo did it with Don Corleone, albeit with the collaboration of Marlon Brando and others, for the film is the highest realization of the story.

Although he is far from a great stylist, I consider Puzo a very insightful writer. One of his themes is the idea that real love must culminate in betrayal. If it's real, love is so powerful that betrayal is the only means of survival. In Puzo's own life I believe this theme was acted out in his relationship to literary work. He began as a "serious" writer, had limited success, and then turned to commercial fiction. Ostensibly the reason was money but I believe there was also heartbreak involved and, in his own terms, betrayal on his part. For the rest of his life he was in a love/hate relationship with "respectable" literature. When Joseph Heller suggested inviting the novelist James Salter to join an informal breakfast club that included Puzo and Bruce Jay Friedman, Puzo hesitated and then rejected asking Salter. "He's too good a writer," Puzo said.

There's much more to say about Mario Puzo and his creations. As a boy he read Dostoyevsky and hoped to recreate The Brothers Karamazov -- which in a roundabout way he actually came very close to doing. This guy was the real thing, a man of respect. (Not sure if he ever wrote a poem, though!) -- Mitch Sisskind

from the archive; first posted September 5, 2008

Mitch Sisskind's Collected Poems, 2005-2020

From the book, this poem, which we first posted on February 8, 2015:

Balzac Speaks of Salvation Through Sexual Intercourse

How else to keep alive the spirit
Of sans souci, the flame of youth,
But with sexual intercourse?
That sphere of glowing delight
To which, once I acceded to it,
The luminous channel has never
Closed to me – as all my work
Is wrought there, charity obliges
That I advertise its pleasures and
Fairly attribute the curious vitality
Derived there that each night
Invents names and faces for me
As if my heart were still a boy’s
And my pen were the prick of one.

You can order Mitch Sisskind's Collected Poems, 2005-2020 here.

How else to keep alive the spirit
Of sans souci, the flame of youth,
But with sexual intercourse?
That sphere of glowing delight
To which, once I acceded to it,
The luminous channel has never
Closed to me – as all my work
Is wrought there, charity obliges
That I advertise its pleasures and
Fairly attribute the curious vitality
Derived there that each night
Invents names and faces for me
As if my heart were still a boy’s
And my pen were the prick of one.

from "Grand & Ogden Auto Parts" [by Mitch Sisskind]

Norby

I got Norby in my office, I said, 'Norby,

'I have an idea, you go out to California

'For three or four months, whatever,

'Six months, go out to California and

'We'll stay in touch, we'll be in touch

'While you're in California, but go out

'To California for some period of time,

'That's what I would urge you to do,

'I would urge you to go out to California

'For a while, three months, six months,

'Go out to California is what I'm saying,

'Get on a plane and go out to California,

'Go to California for five or six months,

'Or don't put a time limit on it. Okay?'

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Door Is Always Open

If you’re in the used car parts business

For any length of time you’ll start seeing

How this person is like a used fan clutch

Or that person is like a used water pump

Because of how they look and also how

They fit Into the overall system of things.

A water pump delivers coolant to the

Engine and then back to the radiator

And then back to the engine again

So the cycle keeps going around

To provide coolant to the engine

Or else the engine will overheat.

If a person started to overheat

At my place of business Tony Drago

Cooled them down like a water pump

Which he always looked like anyway

And when he started getting older

He looked like a used water pump.

 

It was the same with how Katsulos

When he started getting older

Looked like a used fan clutch and

How he and Tony Drago were like

The cooling system that you need

In the used car parts business.

 

But here is what else I’ve learned:

In the used car parts business don't

Let used car parts take over until

Used car parts are the only things

You think about. Because the door

Is always open and so is the road.

The Packard Eucalyptus

 

Ha! The Packard Eucalyptus! Just like

Walter Chrysler had the Chrysler Ozymandias,

Just like Ransom Olds wasted all his money

On the Oldsmobile Harbinger and just like

Roy Chapin could not quit tinkering with the

Hudson Gubernatorial, that's exactly how

Jim Nance made a mess of things at Packard

During the 1950s with the V-12 Eucalyptus

Which never made it to production and could

Have been called the Packard White Elephant.

Someplace on the lot I have an axle assembly

From a Eucalyptus, a muffler from a Harbinger,

And a flywheel from a Hudson Gubernatorial

But where? Where are somebody else's dreams?

   

"When I Heard the Learn'd Urologist" [by Mitch Sisskind]

Where were you when televisions
Multiplied in American homes
And pastel-colored cars had fins
On which at least once a boy
Chasing a ball stabbed himself
And the fins, like kings, died out?

I lived when Eisenhower’s golfing
And mumbled press conferences
Affronted the intelligentsia whose
Worship of Stevenson blossomed
Into the miracle of Jack Kennedy’s
Televised White House cello recitals.

In the doghouse was an expression
Extremely common in those days.
You might hear a man who forgot
The anniversary of his marriage
Forty years ago refer to himself
As in the doghouse, for example.

People said, On the warpath.
They said, You’re cooking with gas.
They said, Fish out of water --
Jump on the bandwagon – A fly in
The ointment – The jury is still out --
He’s always blowing his own horn --

Or how about this? Eke lullaby,
My loving boy, thy lusts relent --
Four hundred and fifty years ago
A man wrote that poem to his penis.
Can you imagine it happening today?
I can. I’m a board certified urologist.

-- from the archive; first posted September 2014

Sonnet 7/26/2020 (by Mitch Sisskind)

When you really need a wimpy
You get one. It was our mantra
Those many nights awaiting
Delivery of the Racing Form
To the newsstand on Diversey 
Even as we called a longshot
Like Greystone Park a whale 
Or how a consistent winner like
Doctor Morrie Weiss was called
A woolly mammoth with payoffs
That could feed an entire village
Albeit at even money or less.
But a wimpy? You will get one
When you need one. Period.

                      *

Very pleased that my Collected Poems
is now available on Amazon >> 

Julius Jaffe: The Analects (4) (by Mitch Sisskind)

JUDGMENT

Seeing that Herman Fishman was

about to step on an ant, Julius Jaffe

urgently intervened to let the ant pass.

He said, "When a judgment against a

man has been rendered in the Upper

World, he is always given the opportunity

to soften that judgment through some

seemingly insignificant action."

Herman Fishman said, "Has a judgment

been rendered against me in the Upper

World?"

Julius Jaffe replied, "Oy. Bite your tongue."

RABBI RABINOWITZ

 

As he was studying Torah late one night

Lilith (feh) appeared in Julius Jaffe’s room

in the Rienzi Hotel. After she appeared

again the following night, Julius Jaffe met

with Rabbi Rabinowitz.

Rabbi Rabinowitz said, “Oy vey. Did

any words come out of her mouth?” Julius

Jaffe replied, “She cast her gaze around the

room and with wicked laughter she said,

‘And the appearance of the vision that I saw

was like the vision that I saw when I came

to destroy the city.’” (Ezekiel 43:3)

Then Rabbi Rabinowitz wept and quoted the

Zohar: “We see that all the nations have risen,

and Israel is lower than all of them. This is

because the Above sent the Shekinah away
from Him and took the slave woman Lilith in
her place. Who is this slave woman? At first
she sat behind the grinding mill, and now
she has inherited the place of her mistress."

Rabbi Rabinowitz explained, “As He consorts

with Lilith above, the Shekinah consorts with

Samael below, and so it will be until Moshiach.”

He continued, “With Lilith He does not pour out

his seed. But listen to this wonderful miracle. At

Shabbat, when a righteous Jew and his soulmate

intimately embrace, He and the Shekinah are

reunited, whereupon He pours out his seed which

pours down Light upon the world.”

He went on, “However, when a Jew lives alone

in a dark space Lilith arrives to seduce him and

wickedly laughs in the lewd triumph of her

usurping the place of the Jew’s soulmate in the

Jew’s bed just as she has usurped the place of the

Shekinah with God in the Upper World. Feh!”

ESTHER TABACHNIK

 

They were walking. Julius Jaffe said,

"I will marry Esther Tabachnik."

He continued, in the name of Rabbi

Rabinowitz, "A man alone in a room,

Lilith (feh) plagues him in the midnight

hour.

He went on, "But Esther Tabachnik,
'her price is above rubies. The heart
of her husband doth safely trust in her.
She will do him good and not evil all
the days of her life.'" (Proverbs 31:10-12)

Herman Fishman said, "Kinehora."

 

JERRY CHAIMOVICH & RAV ASHLAG

 

Herman Fishman asked, "Why are the
wicked so strong? 'I saw under the sun,
in the place of justice, that wickedness
was there, and in the place of righteousness,
that wickedness was there.'" (Eccl. 3:16)

Julius Jaffe replied, "'The righteous and
the wicked God will judge.'" (Eccl. 3:17)

He explained, "No act of righteousness
goes unnoticed by YHVH. Even Jerry
Chaimovich once, perhaps, left a ten
dollar tip at the old Fritzl's restaurant
on State Street. Therefore Jerry
Chaimovich is rewarded in this world
with money, big cars, and also the
companionship of beautiful women."

He continued, "But because his righteous
action has already been fully compensated,
Jerry Chaimovich will partake of nothing
in the Upper World! But in the Upper World
Rav Ashlag is rewarded beyond all imagining!"

 

THE MAN

"And a certain man found him,

and, behold, he was wandering

in the field, and the man asked

him, 'What seekest thou?'"

(Bereshis 37:15)

Herman Fishman asked, "Who

is the man that found Joseph

wandering in the field?"

He continued, "Rashi tells us

that the man was the angel

Gabriel, as it is written, 'Yea,

while I was speaking in prayer,

the man Gabriel whom I had

seen in the vision at the beginning,

and being caused to fly swiftly,

approached close to me at the

time of the evening offering."

(Daniel 9:21)

But Julius Jaffe answeed, "No,

the man was Bobby Minkus."

Herman Fishman inquired, "Bobby

Minkus?" Julius Jaffe replied, "That

is to say, his soul."

 

SOULMATE

"When a soul issues forth from
the treasury of souls in malchut,
it emerges as male and female,
and after it has descended to
the physical world they separate
and each goes its own way --
the male part manifests in a male

body and the female part in a
female body But if a person has
merit through worthy behavior,

they will join together again as
one in spirit and in body." -- Zohar

Herman Fishman asked, "Esther Tabachnik,

the woman you will marry, is she your soulmate?"

Julius Jaffe wept and said, "No, I have not

that merit. Our sages teach that rejoining

one's soulmate is a greater miracle than

the parting of the Red Sea."

He continued, "But an unmarried man's life

is wasted. He cannot make progress toward

completion of his tikkun, the rectification of

his soul that he is in the world to perform."

He went on, "In fact, the more incompatible a

man and his wife are, the greater is their opportunity

for spiritual work, kinehora,"

MONEY

Shinderman said, "Oy, I had

a big year but I had to give

half of it back in taxes."

Julius Jaffe said, "In this

world good fortune comes

with a price."

He continued, "Money is the

easiest way to pay. But if

you wish to pay differently,

your wish will be granted."

 

APOSEMATISM

Julius Jaffe said, "The serpent in

the Garden was of course very

beautiful, but the Golden Calf

was more beautiful by far."

He continued, "The Golden Calf

was an irresistibly beautiful woman.

She sang and danced, lewdly shaking

her behind."

He went on, "It is the intention of

YHVH that irresistible beauty in

a woman should be a warning to

us, as beauty in a colorful insect or

fish is a warning.This is aposematism."

Herman Fishman said, "Yet the sages

tell us that, compared to Eve, Sarah

was like a monkey."

Julius Jaffe answered, "'Who is this that

darkeneth counsel by words without

knowledge?'" (Job 38:2)

He continued, "'Canst thou lift up thy

voice to the clouds, that abundance

of water may cover thee? Canst thou

send forth lightnings, that they may

say unto thee, Here we are?'"

(Job 38:34-35)

 

AKEIDAH (BINDING): THE BINDING OF ISAAC

Herman Fishman asked, "Why did God instruct
Abraham to sacrifice Isaac, his son."

Julius Jaffe replied, "The Torah says, 'God tested
Abraham." (Bereshis 22:1) And God did not
instruct Abraham to sacrifice Isaac. God said,
'Offer him.' on a mountain" (22:2)

Herman Fishman said, "But you're splitting hairs."

Julius Jaffe replied, "Oy, not if you're Isaac." He
continued, "So much can be said about these
verses that for the moment I will make only
a few observations."

He went on, "We read, 'Abraham rose early
in the morning and saddled his donkey.' (22:3)
In biblical Hebrew, 'donkey' is a homonym
for a word meaning 'physical matter.' So this
passage suggests that Abraham was grounded
in physicality when he departed for the
mountain with Isaac and two young men,
one of whom might have been his son Ishmael."

Julius Jaffe continued, "Later we read, 'On the
third day Abraham lifted up his eyes and saw
the mountain afar off. Then he said to the
young men, Stay here with the donkey, while
the lad and I will go yonder.'" (22:5)

He went on, "Why the donkey again? There
is a commentary in which Abraham takes
Isaac aside and asks, 'My son, do you see a
great cloud at the top of the mountain, or
a pillar of fire?' Isaac replies, 'Yes, I see that'
and Abraham says, "I see that also.'"

Julius Jaffe continued, "Then Abraham asks
the two young men if they see anything on
the mountain. When they say they do not,
Abraham tells them, 'Very well, the donkey
doesn't see anything either. So you will please
stay here with the donkey.'"

He went on, "In other words, Abraham and
his son were detaching from the physical
realm which the donkey represents."

Herman Fishman asked, "Are donkeys
present elsewhere in the Torah, with
similar meanings?"

Julius Jaffe answered him, "I believe there
are a few. But more often there are camels."

Herman Fishman concluded, "Surely there
is more to the story of the binding of Isaac
than first meets the eye."

Julius Jaffe wept and said, "Oy vey, yes, yes,
there is much more."

"The Terrifying Poetry of Ping-Pong" [by Mitch Sisskind]

No Olympic sport is more maddening than ping-pong (I refuse to call it “table tennis.”) The way the ball will just nick the corner of the table can drive anyone mad -- especially poets, who are sensitive people by nature.

Kenneth Koch was probably one of the best ping-pong playing poets ever. Had there been an Olympic event combining the two disciplines, I'm certain Koch would have taken home the gold medal. I'm also certain he would have loved the challenge of playing ping-pong while reciting improvised sonnets, or whatever. Well, we will see that in the Upper World!

But Koch was not beyond criticism as a ping-pong player. I'm still kicking myself that I did not actually see the match, but I recall speaking with David Shapiro shortly after he had played Koch in the basement of the now-disappeared Ferris Booth Hall at Columbia. Koch had won the game, but David felt -- and I'm sure he was correct about this -- that Koch had, um, bent the rules a little. Specifically, it was my impression that Koch had tried to create distractions while the ball was in David's court, and I recall David using the term "flapping ostrich."

In Koch's defense, he very often acted like a flapping ostrich -- so should he be expected to stop acting like one when he played ping-pong? We'll have to leave that question to a higher authority. Actually, I believe Koch was also a pitcher on his high school baseball team (Walnut Hills HS, in Cincinnati) and I'm sure his wind-up was a sight to behold. In any case, I happen to believe that Koch was the greatest poet of the New York school, and I'm absolutely certain that he was the best ping-pong player. (But there were probably some good players among the Beats.) 

(Ed note:  A version of this post originally appeared on Wednesday, August 13, 2008)

from "Julius Jaffe: The Analects" (3) (by Mitch Sisskind)

EMUNAH
When Herman Fishman asked Julius Jaffe
to discourse on emunah, Julius Jaffe’s mouth
twisted into a rictus as if he were trying to lift
a huge weight. 

Finally Julius Jaffe said, "Fools and silly
people who refer to emunah as faith
or belief are like ignorant farm animals.
When Moishe called out to God on the banks
of the Red Sea, God said, "Why do you call
out to me? Tell the people to go forward."

He continued, "Then Nachshon walked into
the Red Sea and the waves parted, but not
until the water had reached Nachshon's neck.
This was to test Nachshon's emunah, his
certainty."

He went on, "Such is my own emunah that
on Shabbat I can turn the Rienzi Hotel into
a blimp that travels back into the past or
ahead into the future at my direction. But
you must tell no one about this. Do you
agree?" And Herman Fishman agreed.

MOISHE AND THE ROCK
As the sages instruct, Julius Jaffe studied Torah
at three o'clock in the morning, when most of
the demons are sleeping.

One night, as he read Shemot Chapter 17 (“Moishe
strikes the rock”) Julius Jaffe merited a startling
insight that illuminated all of Torah. He was overjoyed
and recited the Sh'ma.

But a moment later he was saddened by the thought
of jackasses and their televised bonehead preachments.


FUN FOR THE FEEBLE
They were walking. Herman Fishman said,
"In English there's there's an expression,
'fun for the feeble.' How would one say
that in Jewish?"

Julius Jaffe replied, 'Shpas far die schwach.'"

He continued, "God sees the end in
the beginning. If I show an acorn to
a fool, the fool thinks that only a fool
would believe that the acorn contains
an oak tree."

He went on, "God sees not just the
oak tree, but all the acorns yet to
come, and all the trees yet to come."

"Therefore," Herman Fishman asked,
"did he know that Adam and Eve
would eat the forbidden fruit?" Julius
Jaffe said, "Yes. It was shpas far
die schwach.":

"THE TWO JAKES"
He said, "My favorite movie is The Two Jakes."
He said, "My favorite novel is From The Terrace."
He said, "My favorite song is Moments to Remember,
by The Four Lads." Herman Fishman asked, "What
is your favorite food?" He said, "Chicken pot pie."

TRUTH
Harvey Gershman asked him, "How
can I know truth?" Julius Jaffe replied,
"By three attributes."

He continued, "Truth is simple,
but deceptively so. For example,
'Buy low and sell high' seems
simple, but what is high? What
is low? You see, it's not as
simple as you thought."

He went on, "Secondly, the opposite
of truth may also be truth. For example,
money is everything, and money is
nothing."

He continued, "Most importantly,
truth is funny. Consider a definition
of zero: a number A which when
added to a number B results in a
sum of B, which is funny."

Then Herman Fishman said, "How
about when the subtrahend is A and
the minuend is B and you get B,
which is funny."

Then he said, "What about when
you multiply a very large number
by zero and you get zero, which
is funny."

Julius Jaffe said, "Or when you
multiply a negative number by
another negative number and
you get a positive number,
which is funny."

Speaking of truth, he concluded,
"'Strength and dignity are her clothing,
and she laughs at the time to come.'"
(Proverbs 31:25)

SHINDERMAN
Shinderman approached Julius Jaffe
and said, "I have a chance to make a
lot of money on an investment but there
is some risk. What should I do?" Julius
Jaffe said, "Make the investment. You
can make a lot of money."

Shinderman returned and said, "I lost
my money. But there's another investment
and I still have some money left. What
should I do?" Julius Jaffe said, "Take a
chance. You can make a lot of money."

Shinderman reappeared and said,
"I lost my money again. I only have
two dollars left to my name. Should I
bet my two dollars on a longshot at
the racetrack?" Julius Jaffe said, "Yes."

Shinderman came back and said,
"I lost my two dollars! Now I have no
money. What am I going to do?" Julius
Jaffe said, "Do you really have no money
at all? Not even a quarter? Not even a
dime?" Shanderman said, I have no money!
Not even one cent!" Julius Jaffe said, "That's
wonderful."

Then Shinderman was beside himself.
He shouted, "What! How can you tell me
it's wonderful after I've lost everything?"
Julius Jaffe said, "Because now you can
really pray."

PRAYER
Herman Fishman asked, "What is the
most important prayer?" Julius Jaffe
replied, "Only this: Lead me in the
correct path."

AARON WOLNER
Aaron Wolner said, "To capture the
benevolence of a beautiful woman,
I said, 'You're looking good.' Was
this correct?" Julius Jaffe shook his
head. He replied, "No. You should
say, 'Let's get the show on the road.'"

ARNOLD CHANKIN
When Arnold Chankin died, Julius Jaffe
said, "He was a great businessman.
But he never made any money."

Herman Fishman asked, "What business
was he in?" Julius Jaffe said, "He was in
the children's furniture business. But he
was not in the children's furniture business."

Herman Fishman asked, "Is this possible?"
Julius Jaffe answered, "Yes and no."

SAM PELKIS
Sam Pelkis died and Herman
Fishman said, "He died from
intestinal disease." Julius Jaffe
said, "It was a blessing upon him
as a righteous man."

Herman Fishman asked, "How was
it a blessing?" Julius Jaffe explained,
"Most righteous people die from intestinal
disease."

He quoted Rabbi Yosi: "'May my portion
be among those who die from intestinal
disease, as most righteous people die
from intestinal disease.'"

ABISHAG THE SHUNAMMITE
Julius Jaffe read from Melachim:

Now King David was old and stricken in years;
and they covered him with clothes, but he felt
no warmth.

His servants said unto him, ‘Let a young virgin
be sought for my lord the king and let her stand
before the king, and let her cherish the king,
and let her lie with the king that my lord the
king may feel warmth.’

They sought a fair virgin in Israel and found
Abishag the Shunammite and brought her to
the king. She cherished the king and ministered
to him but he knew her not.

Then Adonijah the son of Haggith exalted himself,
saying, ‘I will be king.'

Julius Jaffe commented, “Why did Adonijah exalt
himself? Because the king felt no warmth, the
king knew her not, so the king must die.”

Herman Fishman asked, “Have you conjured
Abishag the Shunammite?” Julius Jaffe replied
the he had conjured her.

Herman Fishman asked, “What words did you
speak toward to conjure her?” Julius Jaffe
answered, “’Only say the word, and it shall be
so for you’ (Job 22:28.) In that same hour
she stood before me.

Herman Fishman asked, “Did you feel warmth?”
Julius Jaffe replied. “‘He who chops wood is
endangered thereby.’” (Ecclesiastes 10:9) He
continued, “How much wood would a woodchuck
chuck, if a woodchuck could chuck wood? He would
chuck as much wood as a woodchuck could, if a
woodchuck could chuck wood.”

He concluded, "But you must tell no one about
this. Do you agree? And Herman Fishman agreed.

from "Julius Jaffe: the Analects" (2) [by Mitch Sisskind]

FOUR ATTRIBUTES OF A TZADDIK
Herman Fishman asked, "Was Shlomo
Putchkis a tzaddik?" Julius Jaffe replied,
"No, because Shlomo Putchkis did not
possess the four attributes of a tzaddik."

He continued, "A tzaddik must come
from a lineage of tzaddikim, both in his
generations and also in his connection
with his teacher, and through his teacher
in his connection with his teacher's teacher,
and his teacher's teacher's teacher.."

He went on, "A tzaddik must have traversed
all ten of the sefirot, perhaps over the course
of many lifetimes."

He further stated, "A tzaddik must diligently
learn Torah for its own sake. 'Those who seek
Me will find Me.'" (Proverbs 8:17)

He concluded, "As an exemplar of tikkun
olam, a tzaddik must teach, inspire, and lead
others in the correct path, and this work
continues even after the revival of the dead."

LILITH
The companions were walking. Julius
Jaffe said, "When Lilith was cast into
the bottom of the ocean, Adam in his
unhappiness consorted with demon
women for 135 years."

Sidney Plouse asked, "Did God ever
consort with Lilith?"

Julius Jaffe replied, "Yes. After the
destruction of the Second Temple and
the exile of the people, the Shekinah
remained with the people while God
separated himself from the people
and consorted with Lilith."

Herman Fishman asked, "How can a
man know if his wife has been possessed
by Lilith?"

Julius Jaffe said, "A man and his wife
must have a secret word. Also, if a
wife refuses to lie beneath her husband,
she has been possessed by Lilith. Feh.
It was for this that Lilith was cast into the
bottom of the ocean.."

SINS OF THE MARRIAGE BED
Julius Jaffe was walking with Herman
Fishman. Julius Jaffe said, "Alike unto
the dinner table, the marriage bed has
many prohibitions. Wrongdoings can
bring forth a child with two heads."

Herman Fishman inquired, "Of all the
prohibitions of the marriage bed, which
one is the most dire to transgress?"

To which Julius Jaffe replied, "When a man
and wife are locked in intimate embrace,
should one or both of them think lasciviously
of another person, feh, no transgression
is worse than this one. Their child will have
webbed feet like a duck."

As they walked on Herman Fishman said,
"But what of Jacob who, at the moment
of conjugal bliss, must surely have called
out Rachel's name in the darkness, although
his bedmate was Leah?"

Julius Jaffe answered without hesitation,
"Yes, but Jacob had been hoodwinked to
believe he was with Rachel!"

He continued, "Further, when Jacob realized
the deception and upbraided Leah, she quite
correctly answered in kind: 'Are you not my
teacher and am I not your pupil? I learned
from your fine example. When your father
Isaac called you by Esau's name, you said,
Here am I.'" And they continued on their way.

EVEN BEFORE HE CREATED
Julius Jaffe said, "Even before he undertook
the creation of the world, even before he
brought Adam into being, God revealed to
Adam the entire future of humankind, from
the first day until Moshiach's arrival."

He continued, "Some may ask how God revealed
the entire future of the world to Adam even before
the world was created. Some may ask how Adam
witnessed this revelation even before the creation
of Adam himself."

He concluded, "Feh! Feh! The highest emanations
of the Sefirot -- Keter, Chochmah, Binah -- are not
vouchsafed to us and even to inquire regarding
Keter, Chochmah, and Binah causes judgment to
be rendered!"

IF A MAN'S HAIR FALLS OUT
Herman Fishman said, "My hair is falling out."
Julius Jaffe replied, "One whose hair falls out
will succeed in his affairs, as the sages teach,
if his hair falls out before he grows old. If his
hair falls out after he grows old, he will become
the opposite of what he was before, whether for
good or bad."

He continued, "Sol Benish, when he was old his
hair fell out at the spot where his tefillin were worn.
Then he became a deceiver, a gossiper, whispering
but not out loud."

He continued, "When the forehead of a man is thin
and angular, not round, he thinks he is wise but he
knows little. He laughs with his tongue, like a snake."

He went on, "A forehead that is large but not rounded?
Or two upper large wrinkles on his forehead and one
wrinkle above one eye and one wrinkle above the other
eye? This conceals madness, but people do not perceive
it. He becomes wise, even in Torah, but not for its own
sake. Sometimes he succeeds and sometimes not."

He went on, "Similarly, yellowish-green eyes -- madness
lies within him. But green eyes surrounded by white, he
is beloved. The color black does not appear in him. Amen."

"I WOULD PUT IT DIFFERENTLY"
Morrie Brier said, "What is a lot of money
to some people is not a lot of money to
other people." Julius Jaffe said, "I would
put it differently." He said, "What is not
a lot of money to some people is a lot
of money to other people." He continued,
Or, what is a lot of money to some people
is a lot of of money to other people, and
so on ad infinitum."

HE BIT HIS TONGUE
Julius Jaffe was 118 years old. They were walking
and Herman Fishman said to him, "Tell me a great
secret." Julius Jaffe replied, "Have I not told you?
But I cannot show you, that is, the way of a man
and a woman."

They walked on and he said, "'Three things are too
wonderful for me, yea, four things which I know not:
an eagle in the air, a snake upon a rock, a ship in
the sea, and the way of a man man with a woman.'"
(Proverbs 30:18)

He explained, "A husband and his wife intimately
embrace and when the Creator sees, he likewise
embraces Shekinah until there is a great exuberation
of Light upon the world."

They walked on and Herman Fishman said, "The
subsequent verse?"

Julius Jaffe said, "'The way of an adulterous
woman: she eateth and wipeth her mouth and
saith, I have done no wrong.'" (Proverbs 30:20)

He continued, "This refers to Lilith," He added
"Feh! Feh!" and he spit over his left shoulder
and he bit his tongue.

THE PARTRIDGE THAT SITTETH ON EGGS
In the 1950s he invented the Hula Hoop, he was a
pioneer in color television, he marketed poodle
skirts, he patented the Tastee Freeze dispenser,
Disneyland was his idea, he built atomic bomb shelters
for the rich, he discovered Elvis Presley, he developed a
rubber seal for refrigerator doors, he invested in
McDonald's, he wholesaled Davy Crockett coonskin
hats, he capitalized on Jello-o molds, shrimp cocktails,
and frozen TV dinners. He did this in secret because
secrecy sustains the world, as the sages teach, but
in spite of himself, and secretly, Julius Jaffe was a
wealthy man.

His home was a single room on the fourth floor of
the Rienzie Hotel. He ate bowls of cottage cheese
mixed with sour cream and crushed crackers. He
ate baked potatoes and boiled potatoes, He drank
seltzer water. He read For Two Cents Plain by
Harry Golden. He read The Old Bunch by Meyer
Levin. He learned Torah, as is written, "His delight
delight is in the law of the Lord, and in his Law doth
he meditate day and night." (Psalm 1:2)

Oy vey. Yet he was not fruitful, he did not multiply.
(Beresheet 1:22) nor was he as the tree planted
by the waters, that spreadeth out roots by the river
and hath not care when the heat cometh. (Jeremiah 17:8)
Was he not rather as the partridge that sitteth on eggs
but hatcheth them not; so he that getteth riches shall leave
them in the midst of his days, and at his end shall be a fool?
(Jeremiah 17:11) Oy vey. Oy vey.

 EVERY BEGINNING IS HARSH
After Gus Golding died, Herman Fishman, Sidney Plouse,
and Julius Jaffe began playing three-handed pinochle
on Sundays.

On the first Sunday Julius Jaffe wept and said, "Every
beginning is harsh, but later comes gentleness. Upon
the birth of Benjamin, Shekinah was fully arrayed in
twelve tribes. Because Shekinah derives from Judgment,
oy, her manifestation meant death for Rachel."

When the game ended the three companions went to
the Far East restaurant for Chinese food. Julius Jaffe
continued, "Oy vey. Every beginning is harsh, but later
comes gentleness, forgiveness,and atonement at the
conclusion of Yom Kippur." And they all said, "Oy vey."

A GREAT FISH
Sidney Plouse and Julius Jaffe were walking accompanied
by a Jew. Sidney Plouse said to Julius Jaffe, "Open your
mouth and deliver words of Torah."

Julius Jaffe replied, "'Her ways are ways of delightfulness.'"
(Proverbs 3:17) The Jew said, "A coin in a flask is found in
this verse." They said, "How do you know it?"

He said, "I heard it from my father. Wherever in Torah one
reads 'ways' -- her ways were opened by the patriarchs
who dug in the sea and entered her. Those ways are open
on every side, in every direction in the world."

Julius Jaffe said, "Who then was your father?" The Jew
said, "My father was a Great Fish," and he was gone.

MAN WITH A BIRD ON HIS HEAD
Herman Fishman and Julius Jaffe were walking. Herman
Fishman said, "I see a man with a bird on his head."
Julius Jaffe said, "Is that a human being there? No, it is
a hint of wisdom given to us."

He called out to the man with a bird on his head, "What is
the meaning of 'He will swallow up death forever and wipe
away tears?'" (Isaiah 25:8) The man replied, "When He
enacts his prerogative, the powers of harsh judgment will
be denied, including death -- but not until the Jews by their
righteousness arouse His enactment."

Julius Jaffe gave him twenty dollars. Why? Because
only in the Upper World is wisdom free.

A BLACK ROOSTER
Herman Fishman said, "When the moment of death approaches,
when the judgment of a human being is aroused, a black rooster
crows but nobody hears it except the one taking his final sleep."

Then he asked, "Why is it a black rooster?" Julius Jaffe replied,
"Oy. A black rooster -- what difference does it make?"

KINDLING FROM WHICH THE FLAME ARISES
Julius Jaffe said, "Every black letter of Torah is sacred, but more
sacred still are the white spaces between the letters, above and
below the letters, and even within the letters themselves."

Sidney Plouse asked, "Why is that the case?" Julius Jaffe replied,
"As the letters are black flame, the white spaces are kindling from
which the flame arises. The letters are male, the white spaces
are female."

from "Julius Jaffe: The Analects" [by Mitch Sisskind]

OLD SONG
Julius Jaffe sang an old song:
'Boys, boys, too much noise!
Abie! Louie! Kum in hoyz!'

CONCUPISCENCE
Julius Jaffe said, "In Torah,
the Land of Egypt is a metaphor
for concupiscence." 

THE GODFATHER PART III
Morrie Brier asked Julius Jaffe for 
his opinion of The Godfather Part III.
Julius Jaffe said, "Feh! Feh!"

BERNIE BERLOWITZ
Julius Jaffe said, "By transgressing
a single word of Torah -- 'yarbeh' --
King Solomon caused the splitting
of the kingdom for his descendants.
How much more so, then, for Bernie
Berlowitz, who transgressed the
whole book of Shemot!"

FASTING AND FRESSING
On Yom Kippur, Julius Jaffe attended
services, and, as befits a Jew, he was
fasting. But following the services he
saw the Rabbi fressing on hard boiled
eggs. In shock, Julius Jaffe exclaimed:
"Rabbi, why are you fressing so?"
The Rabbi smiled. "I am modest in
my piety," he said. "When I fress,
I hide from others that I am fasting."

THE ANGEL OF DEATH
Julius Jaffe was carrying a large box of bricks on
his shoulders. The day was hot. Too weary to
go on, Julius Jaffe dropped the box and called
out to the Angel of Death. At that instant the
Angel appeared and said, "Can I be of service
to you?" Now trembling in fear, Julius Jaffe said,
"Yes. Could you help me put this box of bricks
back on my shoulders?"

The Corona Virus holds a press conference (by Mitch Sisskind)

 

Virus: Good morning. I'll be glad to take a few questions.

Reporter #1: What are you actually trying to accomplish?

Virus: Well, there's a moment in The Possessed, the novel 
by Fyodor M. Dostoevsky, when the main character --
I believe his name was Strombolini  -- says that since
he's already made a mess of his life, he'll try to make as 
big a mess of it as possible. In other words, he'll
transform destruction, or perhaps entropy is a 
better word, into creation by making it intentional. 
It's a bit like something Kenneth Koch used to say
about writing poetry: if something isn't working,
do it more.

Reporter #2: So you're an intellectual. Have you read
Susan Sontag's Illness as Metaphor?:  

Virus: Certainly not. But I've infected the University
of Chicago. Did you know that Leo Strauss, the
phlebotomist who for twenty years was the Robert
Maynard Hutchins Distinguished Service Professor
of political science at the University of Chicago, in private
conversations used to worry about the schvartzes 
coming across Jackson Park? Well. he did.

Reporter #2: Don't you mean phenomenologist
rather than phlebotomist?

Virus: Thank you. But rather than either phlebotomist
or phenomenologist, I meant to say podiatrist. What 
used to be called a foot doctor.

Reporter #3: Could you please be serious for 
a moment?

Virus: I'll be serious if you'll be roebuck. It
was a wonderful store at one time. People
used to be able to order a whole house 
which would arrive disassembled in a 
railroad car, and then they'd put it 
together themselves. There were 
31,000 parts. That was going on
even at the time of the 1918 epidemic. 
There simply aren't people like that
today, as Nestor says in Homer's Iliad,
as translated by W.H.D. Rouse.

Reporter #4: Can you please stop your
infernal bookishness?

Virus: All right.

Reporter #4: What do you think of Donald Trump?

Virus: (sighs) I knew someone would ask that.
Listen, Trump is neither the hero nor the 
villain of this story. What's important is not
Trump himself, but the response to Trump 
in you and you and you and you. In this
sense, Trump is like the biblical Pharaoh.
Some people hurried to leave Egypt
when Pharaoh allowed it, and some 
people actually wanted to stay. Lindsey 
Graham would be somebody like that. 
Speaking of which, has it occurred to 
anyone that the name "Lindsey Graham"
naturally suggests "Lindsey Graham Cracker,"
because Lindsey Graham would have been
a segregationist in the old days, and 
"cracker" means a bigoted white person?
You see, the universe is always sending 
coded messages like that, but you people 
need to be aware of them and understand
them. Ahem. I myself am such a message. 

Reporter #4: Oh, for Christ's sake!

Virus: Well, I'm getting a bit weary. But 
before I go, I'd like to ask you a question.
Do you think I will be Time magazine's 
Person of the Year?

Reporter #5: No, because you're not a person.

Virus: (sighs) True -- and that's my tragedy.
I'm a bit like Satan in Paradise Lost, by 
John Milton.

Reporter #6: Oh, for Christ's sake!

Virus: Yes indeed. "Those who have ears,
let them hear."

Columbia College 1967 #29 [by Mitch Sisskind]

Carlson Fenwick, Professor

In our years-long correspondence concerning
All things Shakespearian Alan Grosbeck and I
Sometimes amused ourselves by concocting
Hare-brained interpretations and pursuing
Them to their risibly illogical conclusions.
Aware for instance that in Elizabethan times
‘Nothing’ was a crude slang word for the
Female genitalia, we searched past the oft-cited
Double entendre of Much Ado About Nothing
And discovered that "nothing" was possibly
Shakespeare’s favorite word. In King Lear
Nothing appears eighteen times in just
Fourteen speeches including Cordelia’s
First words to Lear – ‘Nothing, my lord’ --
And in Lear as a whole we found "nothing"
Thirty-four times in twenty-nine speeches
While in The Winter’s Tale "nothing" appears
Thirty-four times in twenty-six speeches.
There’s plenty of nothing in Hamlet too.
So what was Shakespeare up to there?
Possibly nothing. But plenty of nothing.
We had some good laughs over it.

I miss Alan, interred now at Mount Auburn,
And he came to mind yesterday as I read
Sonnet 73 and recalled how we used to
Imagine all the possibilities of who is
Speaking to whom in these fourteen lines.
Oh, spare me the dull and obvious banality
That it’s an old man addressing a younger.
It could be an old woman and her cat or
A young girl and her doll. Why the hell not?
But then a rather novel interpretation came
To me which I wholeheartedly welcomed.
Was there really something new to say
About one of the most commented-upon
Poems in the English language? I hurried
To my bookshelves and consulted Dryden,
Johnson, Coleridge, the Marxists, Freudians,
The New Critics, and even old Yeats whose
Remark that Shakespeare is only a mass of
Magnificent fragments expresses not at all a
Denigration but instead suggests an analogy
Between Shakespeare and the post-Newtonian
Description of the whole far-flung Universe.

But it seems that no scholar in any age has
Proposed that the ‘speaker’ in Sonnet 73
Is actually the poem itself, nor that the subject
Of the poem is the experience of reading it.
‘That time of year thou mayst in me behold’ --
A coy invitation: If you’ve got a moment to
Engage your imagination, the poem says,
These ink spots on a page can conjure up
A windy fall day, some trees, and a ruined
Church or monastery, perhaps one of those
Closed by Henry VIII. And that’s only the
Beginning of what I, the poem, can disclose
If – and it’s a big if -- you have what it takes
To see it. My coy invitation was also a challenge.
You may ‘behold’ the images, or maybe not,
But the final couplet will offer a congratulation
On what ‘thou perceiv’st’ – with a reminder that
Perception won’t last forever. “This’ in line 13
Refers to the inevitability of conclusion, which
Has been universalized in the poem and is now
Demonstrated by the end of the poem itself.
Is there more? Yes, or maybe not. Oh dear God.

Ed. note: "There’s plenty of nothing in Hamlet, too." True, and the studious reader will note the allusion to this great song from Gershwin's Porgy and Bess.

No use complainin'. . .

Readers, vote for the best version. -- DL