The Best American Poetry

What the minister counseled the small-bladdered groom before the ceremony:

Leak now, or forever hold your pee!

(Groan.)

Why did the cumin flatter the turmeric?

To curry flavor with the rice.

Ouch.  

I promised David Lehman ten puns today

Here they are. Plus one to grow on. 

Didya hear about the infamous movie director who tumbled down the snowy mountain?

...He had a roaming pole and ski. 

Didya the good natured Hasid who couldn't bring himself to true hooliganism?  

...He only threw Mazel Tov cocktails through windows. 

Didya hear about the Jewish matron who got an obscene phone call from a famous Mexican guitarist?

...So overcome with the perplexing emotions of both shock and flinching desire, she responded in the only way she could: "Oy vey! Come ovah!"

Now for some Tom Swifties:

"Buy my trout!  Mine alone!" Tom said, selfishly.  

"I'll take another gin," Tom said, slowly. 

Bathroom humor alert:

"Indeed, I poop every twenty four hours!" Tom said, yesterday.  

"Whoops! I farted!" Tom said, astutely.

And a few more because I cannot help myself, really. 

"This I do on behalf of my former spouse," Tom said, exactingly.  

Tom was forthcoming: "I can masturbate ALL NIGHT!"

"It seems this bird is missing something," Tom said, knowingly.

And lastly, leastly:

Tom totally announced: "Yep, there's ten of them!"

Thank you, thank you.  You've been great.  

--

The head of the Office of the Independent Counsel was just about to go insane, because he wanted so badly to possess a copy of a certain satirical quarterly publication.  

Indeed, you might even say he was Starr craving MAD.  

"We should take great care to preserve this ancient Sumerian city,"

Tom said, urgently.

Did you hear about the orator

who was painfully aware of his own mortality?  Every chance he got, he seized the dais.

(sorry!)

"Uncle Milton, we can't ship this formicarium overseas without filling out these papers for US customs," Tom said, importantly.

A final Tom Swiftie before bedtime... [by Jill Alexander Essbaum]

"Choose life!," Tom said, probably.

(these count for puns, ya?)

"I deride you, Chinese vase!,"

Tom said, boomingly.

(It's a disease.  It really is.)

Nate H. couldn't decide between

Comcast, Qwest, Grande, Time Warner, Cox, Charter, or ATT Broadband.  So he picked them all.

Hereafter, his residence was known as The House of the Seven Cables.