The Best American Poetry

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The head of the Office of the Independent Counsel was just about to go insane, because he wanted so badly to possess a copy of a certain satirical quarterly publication.  

Indeed, you might even say he was Starr craving MAD.  

"We should take great care to preserve this ancient Sumerian city,"

Tom said, urgently.

Did you hear about the orator

who was painfully aware of his own mortality?  Every chance he got, he seized the dais.

(sorry!)

"Uncle Milton, we can't ship this formicarium overseas without filling out these papers for US customs," Tom said, importantly.

A final Tom Swiftie before bedtime... [by Jill Alexander Essbaum]

"Choose life!," Tom said, probably.

(these count for puns, ya?)

"I deride you, Chinese vase!,"

Tom said, boomingly.

(It's a disease.  It really is.)

Nate H. couldn't decide between

Comcast, Qwest, Grande, Time Warner, Cox, Charter, or ATT Broadband.  So he picked them all.

Hereafter, his residence was known as The House of the Seven Cables.

A randy pun

Did you hear about the health-conscious nymphomaniac?

(I'm cutting away in case you're offended by smut)

Said the teak dresser to the tedious woodworm?

My God, you bore me.  

Two lame puns...

Judge me if you must.

1.  Why does the upper half of North America drink only ginger ale?

      

Because Canada's Dry.

2.  Did you hear about the painter who went to a party and stood all night in the corner like a wallflower, talking to no one?

Apparently being in crowds made him ill at easel.  

What can I say, it's Wednesday.