The Best American Poetry

Pilgrim's Pride Chickens Out

It was when he saw the headline in Forbes, "Pilgrim's Pride Chickens Out," about the travails of the poultry producer (symbol PPC on the NYSE), that Lehman knew he had to act.

"The weakening economy," he said slowly, "will be concentrated in the index of present conditions."

The statement spread like a rumor of sexual harassment.

Economists were divided as to the import of Lehman's words. Some saw in it an allusion to Isaac Bashevis Singer's story written from the point of view of chickens on their way to the slaughterhouse.

The official "mea culpa" line was mouthed by the vice president in charge of upward risk.

"We misread the spread between derivatives and underlying cash assets."

"Big of you to admit it, old chap."

"What's your system?"

"It may be counter-intuitive, but I am betting everything on black, even, and my wife's birthday."

Woud events vindicate the brothers Lehman? Or would the indifferent beak drop the terrified girl in a rush of white feathers?

http://www.forbes.com/markets/economy/2008/05/13/pilgrims-pride-closer-markets-equity-cx_mlm_0513markets40.html

My Goal is to Go to Mongolia!

All day yesterday I tried to write a song in the Cole Porter manner beginning "My goal is to go to Mongolia," but the melody of "Columbia, the gem of the ocean" kept getting in the way. Well, I'll see what I can come up with when I'm over there. It's flattering to know they're prepping for my visit, though the cyclones and quakes do seem somewhat excesssive.

Tomorrow I fly to Beijing; I will visit that city and two others in China, giving readings and lectures, in the next week. Then comes a week in Mongolia. If I can manage to post from those outposts I will do so, and if not I'm sure I'll have lots to tell when I get back in early June.

-- DL

Polish State Treasurer Picks Lehman

Lehman's diplomatic skills nabbed a new client last week. Poland's state treasury hired Lehman to intercede in its conflict with Dutch investor Eureko. In brief, Eureko had sought to add to its position in PZU, Poland's highly profitable insurer. The extra shares would have given the Dutch group majority control. Poland reneged on an earlier promise and nixed the deal. Now Eureko is seeking 35.6 billion zlotys in damages and applying pressure by blocking the public floatation of PZU. Lehman has spent time in both Poland and Holland and is credited with resolving the Dutch-German "whiff of roses" dispute in 1999, in which rival companies competed for copyright ownership of the phrase in advertisements for perfume. Lehman also worked on the multionational commission investigating the appearance of American verse in Warsaw and Rome.

Lehman is Shutting Loan Unit

“Lehman Is Shutting Loan Unit”

I was leafing through the Times, heading
for the sports page because I’ve become
a bit of a Yankee fan though I live in
Cincinnati, and even in Cincinnati I’m
aware of the chaos in the housing industry,
but all the exigencies and catastrophes had
eluded me until there, eye-poppingly, I read
“Lehman Is Shutting Loan Unit”!
Oh I’ve acted perfectly disgraceful when
it comes to amortization, and the date
due remains for me an approximation but
I’ve never actually defaulted on anything,
and I’m making progress, I’ve learned
debentures aren’t false teeth, oh I can’t
imagine closing an entire unit of loaning!
Lehman, we love you, keep forking over!

-- Jim Cummins

Lehman Battles Back

Despite a wretched week, Lehman battled back with negative ads about his opponent. . . Lehman’s sister Sue won the Sydney marathon. Cries of “Sue Lehman!” filled the air. . . An actor wearing a Warren Buffett mask called Lehman “a ticking time-bomb” that would go off when, in spite of all the avant-garde accounting methods in use, the bad debt and derivatives will have to be written down. The argument elicited the murmurous haunt of flies on summer eves and even a smile or two from the nervous nabobs of negativity. "Death is the down side of Capitalism," Lehman explained to the hushed crowd. "But we have a right to dream."

After the bell earnings came in as expected. The dividend would not have to be lowered after all. Lehman mixed martinis for the relieved shareholders. "The profit margins at the venerable house may shrink,” he quipped. “But the prophets themselves have never had it so good. They are being feted in a manner that the Bible’s Amos and Joel and Hosea could not have imagined or foretold." Lunch hour had begun. Ladies loped on the sidewalk in front of headquarters. A bespectacled lad recited numbers into his cell phone. Meanwhile, the search for Lehman’s missing brother remained the three-hundred-pound Republican in the room. 

-- DL

Lehman Downgrades Gap to Equal Weight

Lehman went into the Banana Republic on the corner of Bleecker and Sixth and tried on a pair of "easy fit" jeans. He had Orwell on his brain and could figure out that this pair of jeans was for the fat. For fat folks. For fat fucken people. Lehman no like. Lehman decide to downgrade Gap (which owns Banana Republic as well as Old Navy stores) from 23 to 20. Politics played no art in this decision.

"It's hard to lose three pounds," Lehman said. "Much wiser to shave three points from the value of an inflated former growth stock."

Lehman Seeks Chinese Partner

Lehman went to the Boao Forum for Asia, on the southern Chinese island of Hainan, in pursuit of a partner for a brokerage joint-venture in China. Yang Zee Ha, correspondent for Nihao (Beijing), reported that Lehman was conducting "active discussions" with "potential partners" for a "long-term liaison." No names were given, but hotel records indicated that Rose Tatou, Coco Riesling, China Dollar, Samantha Fang, and Ho Ra were among the nommes de guerre chosen by women guests at the posh Hainan Retreat, where "partner suitability" tests were performed in suite #611 last week.

-- D. L.

Adventures of Lehman

This was a big week for Lehman.

Lehman moved $2.8 billion in loans, a lot of it in leveraged-buyout debt, into a freshly-minted investment vehicle, "Freedom," which promptly issued new debt securities backed by the risky loans.

The maneuver wowed the guys at Moody's and Standard & Poor's. About $2.26 billion of the new offerings got an immediate boost in credit ratings. With heroic speed Lehman then packaged some of the investment-grade Freedom bonds as collateral for low-interest, short-term loans from the Fed.

Lehman thus turned a lose-lose situation into an instant money-maker. "Any time you can leverage Freedom you're ahead of the curve," Lehman said. "The curve is just like a fast ball, just a trifle slower, and it breaks. If you wait for it and your timing is good, you can hit it out of the park.

"And that's what I think we did here."

See Serena Ng and Susanne Craig, "How Lehman Opened the Fed's Spigot," in Wall Street Journal, Friday, April 11, 2008, p. C1.

-- D. L.